Searched for rejection from parents:
Don't be defined by anyone's response to you. If you allow others to decide who you are, you will never be happy. You will always be aiming to please others, rather than yourself. While that may be noble and selfless, the truth is, you need to be true to your own self. If your parents don't get you, that doesn't mean your life is any less valuable or significant. You don't get certain people - they don't stop living because you and they differ on certain things. Same with you - others may have opinions. That's fine - everyone has opinions. Your opinions are just as valid as anyone else's.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Rejection from my parents
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I have been doing some thinking about my mother. here are some posts copied from my journal:
October 24, 2012
I am going to stop checking emails for the wrong reasons.
oh my god' I used to wait for the phone to ring thinking it was going to be my mom' now I check emails thinking its going to be my boss.
October 14, 2012
so last night we went to eat. I was struck by the young people. where did they come from? I'm still thinking about this thing called "getting older".
kind of always on my mind-
October 14, 2012
dysfunctional mother stuff:
OK, the book says that I might have a person I am refusing to forgive. oh yeah I do. of course I do, I was just thinking of her today. irony? probably not.
(and later)
I hate Facebook, I really really hate Facebook
I can't forgive someone who:
I want you to know that I am still waiting. I have waited a very, very long time. Waiting for what? Waiting for you to do the right thing and be my mom. I think it’s my nature to have trouble with things that just don’t make sense. Things that don't add up.
for example: mother’s take care of their kids. mothers put their kids first and make sure all their needs are met. mothers put their personal issues aside as best they can. You seemed to do the opposite, you put me aside to deal with your personal issues. You sacrificed my emotional well being to try to make a monster happy. What hurts is that the monster who hated me was, it seems, complacent after you cut me out of your life. Ouch.
Oh, and that part about you cutting me out, I know it’s more comfortable to believe that I did the cutting, it’s more comfortable for me, too. That is something I can accept now, that is I do accept now. You did the cutting out. You cut me out. Unbelievable, right? But true. Like I said, I waited, I’m still waiting for you to see your huge error. How long will I wait? Didn't happen before sweet Uncle died. To be honest, you are the biggest fool I know. You and my father. But fool or not, you have power over me. Your utter rejection of me has kept me down. You wouldn't know, nor would the monster, nor would any one else I know, what the rejection has done to me. It has wrecked me as a person. Where do you have that right? where to you get the right to disregard a life? to disregard me?
October 24, 2012
I am going to stop checking emails for the wrong reasons.
oh my god' I used to wait for the phone to ring thinking it was going to be my mom' now I check emails thinking its going to be my boss.
October 14, 2012
so last night we went to eat. I was struck by the young people. where did they come from? I'm still thinking about this thing called "getting older".
- what does it mean?
- where do I fit?
- shouldn't I have my shit a bit more together?
kind of always on my mind-
- what should I wear?
- what shouldn't I wear?
- am I too old for school?
- should I be doing something else now?
October 14, 2012
dysfunctional mother stuff:
OK, the book says that I might have a person I am refusing to forgive. oh yeah I do. of course I do, I was just thinking of her today. irony? probably not.
(and later)
I hate Facebook, I really really hate Facebook
I can't forgive someone who:
- admits that she failed me
- seems to have no remorse
- oh and don't forget still refuses to be part of my life.
Sometime in October 2012
More dysfunctional Mom stuff:
"today is a new day"
that wonderful muse song
it is a new day
actually its called I'm feeling fine...
this i strugle with, but don't we all.
my mother is everywhere today. today and yesterday.
most days honestly but more so these two days.
phone rings it is her--just realized I'm still waiting.
waiting for my boss to e mail which is actually approval or validation from my mom.
still waiting. why fight it
OK,so I'm waiting-- now what. I suppose I can do other stuff while I'm waiting' always have.
God, its been a long time. long wait.
is this because of my mental condition, I mean how I am like my sweet son. unable to let things go.
this is good today, being outside today.
right now its a bit ominous out. mild bit windy, cloudy. November.
starting to rain.
it is a new day
actually its called I'm feeling fine...
this i strugle with, but don't we all.
my mother is everywhere today. today and yesterday.
most days honestly but more so these two days.
phone rings it is her--just realized I'm still waiting.
waiting for my boss to e mail which is actually approval or validation from my mom.
still waiting. why fight it
OK,so I'm waiting-- now what. I suppose I can do other stuff while I'm waiting' always have.
God, its been a long time. long wait.
is this because of my mental condition, I mean how I am like my sweet son. unable to let things go.
this is good today, being outside today.
right now its a bit ominous out. mild bit windy, cloudy. November.
starting to rain.
October 2012
A letter to my mother:
I want you to know that I am still waiting. I have waited a very, very long time. Waiting for what? Waiting for you to do the right thing and be my mom. I think it’s my nature to have trouble with things that just don’t make sense. Things that don't add up.
for example: mother’s take care of their kids. mothers put their kids first and make sure all their needs are met. mothers put their personal issues aside as best they can. You seemed to do the opposite, you put me aside to deal with your personal issues. You sacrificed my emotional well being to try to make a monster happy. What hurts is that the monster who hated me was, it seems, complacent after you cut me out of your life. Ouch.
Oh, and that part about you cutting me out, I know it’s more comfortable to believe that I did the cutting, it’s more comfortable for me, too. That is something I can accept now, that is I do accept now. You did the cutting out. You cut me out. Unbelievable, right? But true. Like I said, I waited, I’m still waiting for you to see your huge error. How long will I wait? Didn't happen before sweet Uncle died. To be honest, you are the biggest fool I know. You and my father. But fool or not, you have power over me. Your utter rejection of me has kept me down. You wouldn't know, nor would the monster, nor would any one else I know, what the rejection has done to me. It has wrecked me as a person. Where do you have that right? where to you get the right to disregard a life? to disregard me?
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