My son is depressed

How do we ever manage to survive the preteen year.  And if we survive these, how do we survive the teen years.
Who is to blame?  Teachers?  The school system?  Not really fair is it?  They are just doing a job.

So to my son.  Looking at him tonight before bed--I thought he was just tired.  That's why he was a bit pale and his eyes were starting to water.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"
"you sure?"
"Yes"
"Ok, what is really wrong?"
"Same stuff I've told you about 100 times."
"Just because you've told me about it doesn't mean it's not importiant."

And that's all I could give except hugs and "it will be ok."

Street Light Zen

In our old house, when I couldn't sleep, I would sit on the couch in the living room and stare out the window.  Out of that window I could see our section of the street lit up by a street light.  The street light was almost directly across the street from our house.  Our street was quiet at night and most nights I would not see a single car.
I would stare at that spot on the corner across the street and just be aware of the emptiness and quiet.  I would imagine that I was sitting or standing on that corner and how no one in the world would know I was there if I did.  I of course would ponder the emptiness and reality that no one knew I was sitting on my couch looking out the window.  It was my secret.  Now that I write this I realize I had done the same kind of exercise in my teen years.  I would sneak  out side for a smoke and watch our street.  The street I grew up on was different in that it was busier; much busier than that street lamp street.  But from where I stood next to the house, I was in complete shadowed darkness and no one would have seen me as they passed, save for the glowing end of my cigarette if they happened to look in just the right spot, 20 or so yards from the street.
Of course, in niether situation did I think much about what I was doing as practicing Zen, but I think I was.  I was aware of my surroundings and pondering the nothingness of everything.

Why does my husband state the obvious?

Is he being passive aggressive?  Is this what ridiculously polite people do?  Is he half British?

One Hundred Annoying Habits of Successful Entrepreneurs |
According to this page, stating the obvious was number 28.

And fun note; as I was skimming down the list, I started to worry because I started to--check, check, check--note that I did a lot of these annoying things, about 10 in a row, to be exact.  But then, thankfully, as I continued down the list, they stopped applying to me.  Woot!  I'm only about 20% annoying according to newwhiteboard.com.  My husband, come to think of it, only qualified for that one thing...maybe I should review that list.

so what did I actually do?

Something I regret but am not going to dwell on.  Yes that's it.  I'm not going to dwell on it.

surfing about screwing up

Sharing Too Much Information in the Workplace - NYTimes.com

Well, yes.  I do this.

"As mentioned earlier, revealing too much about yourself may give people the wrong impression or rather the impression you don't want them to have. In general, you do want to preserve some level of privacy."
Sharing Personal Information at Work - Keep It To Yourself
Really?  Well I kinda know this is true, but hell, I do it anyway.  A lot.  But so does everyone.

How to Tell if You Talk Too Much

Determining whether you talk excessivelyTalking less, listening more

Edited by Flickety, Awesomealias, KnowItSome, Rojo Don Poho and 37 others

How to Tell if You Talk Too Much: 15 Steps (with Pictures)

Really?  This is just nit-picking.

Said Something You Shouldn’t Have? 4 Ways to Recover

Said Something You Shouldn't Have? 4 Ways to Recover | The Daily Muse

This is more like it.

Turned to random journal entry, here 'tis:

3-6-09
So all thinking persons know that people make mistakes
"to er is human..."
"everyone makes mistakes"
Surely there are others...
"Nobody's perfect"
"Human error"

But there is one group or role rather that people take on in which mistakes are simply not allowed--mistakes when is in this role are--unforgivable--and there are those who make it their life's ambition to wallow in these mistakes.  Of these people, we (guilty) milk these mistakes for every drop of--(drop of what?)
Who are these unforgiven?
Our PARENTS, of course!  Our parents.

And why not, here is another:
3-4-09
If you can't join 'em, join 'em?

So human nature says we berate others to make up for our own shortcomings.  So the thing to do for those who make a continuous effort to be moral, responsible, professional--is not to do this.
Steer clear of gossip circles, whispering about co-workers behind their backs.  Just say NO.  
Even though, 
Everyone does it.  
Factions automatically arise--but who exactly is on whose side?
These sides change depending on the company.  What if one tries and tries to remain free and nutral but just can't seem to do it?  Human nature wins?  It must be the rare person who wins that battle, but there are more than we probably realize who fight it.

religion

No one wants to be alone--that's where God, ghosts and angels come from.
yep

unthinkable

So, my boss:
the one whose approval I desperately need and have sought after as a replacement for my own mothers approval-even though she's only about 10 years older than I am...
The one who I respect, admire and am at the same time ashamed of for her tricky racist tendencies...
She nominates me for an award...
Basically a "You Are Awesome and I Want to Tell Your Peers and Others who are Big Shots How Awesome You Are" award.
And I get the award.  And she is going with me to accept the award.
Really?
Holy Shit.
What do I wear?
No, really?
What's the catch?
What now?
What's my problem now?

Closure

Dog is back.
Can't stop looking at her.

Life is short, appreciate what's around you.

Understand more about what people say when they say they want "closure."
Didn't know what to do with myself, felt like I was at the end of a chapter but couldn't turn the page.

my dog

When people feel emotional pain, the same areas of 

the brain get activated as when people feel physical pain:

the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex.
Emotional and Physical Pain Activate Similar Brain Regions | Psychology Today

So my dog is missing.  I feel like a terrible pet owner.  She's out there somewhere.  I want her back.  

I am really mad at my husband.  
I am totally blaming him right now.  He doesn't like her.  
I almost say "hate" but I can't believe that.  Although its probably true.
I thought about her a lot today as she was outside but didn't even check on her.
I wanted to let her in but every time I thought about it, I thought about his reaction to anything she does.  
She eats toilet paper, tissue, underwear, q-tips.
She licks pillows and blankets that are far too often left or tossed on the floor by the kids.
She eats my and my daughter's used pads.
She hates going outside when it's raining, thundering or when the grass is wet. 
She looks at me when he calls her to go out as if she defers judgement to me.
He is unable to get her to go into the crate.  She goes in for me.

The wisdom of the turtle

I can honestly say that I don't like people in the way I assume other people like people.  

I want people to be well, as in healthy.  
I want people to do the right things by each other.  
I would pretty much help anyone do whatever necessary to do either of these things.

Skulking around on Facebook causes me to cringe and shrink inward.  A tiny part of me wants to tap into this social network more, but mostly I want to retreat from it.

I used to think I'm socially awkward, but I don't know, I think I just don't care to be too intimate with people.  Does this mean I'm not the giver I thought I was?  Oh well, enough of this bull shit.

Glass

was totally in the moment with my kids tonight.  
laughing and being silly.

By the way, what would happen if I just said "screw it" (to whom I would say this to, I have no idea).
What if I just said "screw it" and did what I thought was the thing to do all the time.
Why don't I?  Because I always feel like I have to justify everything.  And this holds me back.  Justification is a process that eats up time.  The time it takes me to judge the situation and decide that I have no right to think or feel the way I do.
That whole "glass house" thing.  But, is my house really made of glass?  I'm starting to think it is not so much.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Commonly misinterpreted as being a proverb warning against hypocrisy. This is incorrect.

The actual meaning is closer to that of "if you can't take it, don't dish it out".

if you are a type of person who is easily offended, do not go around offending people unless you can handle being offended yourself.

Person A - Katie is such a bitch. All I did was say she was a little bit fat, and she's going around calling me a stupid cow behind my back!

Person B - People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Urban Dictionary: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

no escape?

"The wisdom of no escape"...I wonder if that book is an eBook..
.
It's been--seems like a million years but actually it's about 18 since I was perusing through that book.
Still remember the author.  She seemed like a friend to me.  Pema Chodrin or something fairly close to that.

Well that is not nearly as profound a thought as I had when I was inspired to sit and blog.  
Oh wait, I remember.  I felt that I wanted to talk about how I have been escaping.  I escape into many different "places." 

• shopping
• Netflix
• work
• even pintrest
• pc games

Just realized that all those places are on the computer.  Am I escaping now?  I used to be better at being "in the moment."  I haven't been there in a while.  I've been escaping the moment, as I said.  Is that so wrong?  I'm not going to sit here and lecture myself.  What a new concept.  I'm not going to list all the things I should be doing or should have been doing.  Just going to keep going.

Gah frigging damn it (I'm not that religious but I don't like taking other people's Lord in vain).

(no)

This thing with my boss

 is going to drive me batty.

Here is the straight story--I'm going to get it out--I'm not going to sugar coat it--it's going to hurt.

Ok, so boss notifies me that I have a visitor.  This visitor needs assistance.  

Back-story:  the area in which she needs assistance is my "area," my ongoing "project."  My boss has given me this responsibility and has given me free reign to run the project with little interference from her or anyone.

Back to the visitor.  My boss and I go to meet the visitor.  The visitor is new to us and new to my project.  My boss and I commence our normal banter which explains our program and welcomes our visitor.  

The visitor needs explanation of a procedure.  
The procedure has been created by me.  

There is a sign explaining the procedure and I make reference to the sign and "tease" my boss and make a comment implying that she doesn't know the procedure even though it is posted (where it is posted is pretty obscure).  The whole area we are in is my area, not frequented by my boss.  In fact, none of the other 30 or so employees know the area and so would also refer to me under similar circumstances. 
I tease my boss?  
Do I tease her or do I actually-- 
undermine her, 
ridicule her, 
disrespect her in front of a representative of another community program.  
Is that what I did?  
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Stuff I gotta do after watching 10 twenty-minute "Ted Talks"

1--Raise my arms above my head while clenching my fists.

2--Put my hands on my hips and spread my feet apart when talking to people.
3--Tell people how much I appreciate them.
4--Go outside more.

5--Move around more.

Seems like there was more...
No, there was nothing like "spend more time with your kids" because that will come if you actually do this other stuff...
Wait, I thought of another one-

6--Give your brain a break and meditate for 10 minutes a day.

Ramblings of obsessive me

Tired of being tired of being tired of this crap about--let's face it--my--yes--my--mother.

My Mother!

Stupid boss.  Has it really been five years.  Five years?

Well this post is supposed to be an outlet that lets out the flow of conflict in my head and allows me to be rational again.  Pull the plug already!

Pull it.  Release.  It's not releasing.  I guess I can't just force it.  but wait, I can--sometimes I can.

I don't know how to solve this conflict I have with my boss whom I place a mother role on--mother role as in I expect things from her.

• approval
• understanding
• guidance
• appreciation
• praise (lot's of praise, so much so that I fantasize in my head that she is praising me as I am doing
  something)

Ok, I've hit something here.  As I do a task, I imagine her watching me do it or finding out soon after that I have done it and heaping on the praise and appreciation.  Not only praise and appreciation  but I want her to rely on me.  I want everyone to rely on me.  I want to be her right hand person.  This is what I want..but somehow I fell I should not want this.  Should not because it is not good for me to be in her shadow.

Authority, my boss and my mom

Ok, here it is.  I’m actually going to write about...it.  I’m really going to admit. . .stuff.  I’m going to admit to myself that I...  have a problem.
So here it is.
here i go.
Really going to do it.
Heart is racing a bit.
Ok, what exactly am I admitting?  That I do this weird thing with my boss in my head that has to do with my mother...
I think I’ve already admitted that. 
In other journals.
So what have I been putting off?  What have I not said? 
Well
What makes me uncomfortable is that I know she thinks I’m mental.
What makes me uncomfortable is I compromise myself to fit her opinions.
What makes me uncomfortable is that I have this STRONG habit of always putting myself down in front of her.  I use this cheap, easy humor that is getting on my own nerves. 
Why the humor?  to mask something of course.  I did this with that woman that drove me crazy, HA!  I forget her name!!  Awesome!  Crap, it’s Sandy...  Anyway, I feel like she saw through me in some ways.  But what she “saw” was my non-authenticness.  Which I was, I was not authentic.  Am still not with my boss.  Am with everyone else.
But she make people kiss her ass.  She is charismatic in that way.  She makes you want to please her.  Why do people wear a path to her door?  Well I do, I make excuses to go in there and just sit in the same damn room.  I want her approval and I want to be on her special team.  I want it really bad... or so I think I want it.
Do I really?
Hmm...
A tiny breakthrough?
Perhaps.