Ok, here it is. I’m actually going to write about...it. I’m really going to admit. . .stuff. I’m going to admit to myself that I... have a problem.
So here it is.
here i go.
Really going to do it.
Heart is racing a bit.
Ok, what exactly am I admitting? That I do this weird thing with my boss in my head that has to do with my mother...
I think I’ve already admitted that.
In other journals.
So what have I been putting off? What have I not said?
Well
What makes me uncomfortable is that I know she thinks I’m mental.
What makes me uncomfortable is I compromise myself to fit her opinions.
What makes me uncomfortable is that I have this STRONG habit of always putting myself down in front of her. I use this cheap, easy humor that is getting on my own nerves.
Why the humor? to mask something of course. I did this with that woman that drove me crazy, HA! I forget her name!! Awesome! Crap, it’s Sandy... Anyway, I feel like she saw through me in some ways. But what she “saw” was my non-authenticness. Which I was, I was not authentic. Am still not with my boss. Am with everyone else.
But she make people kiss her ass. She is charismatic in that way. She makes you want to please her. Why do people wear a path to her door? Well I do, I make excuses to go in there and just sit in the same damn room. I want her approval and I want to be on her special team. I want it really bad... or so I think I want it.
Do I really?
Hmm...
A tiny breakthrough?
Perhaps.
So here it is.
here i go.
Really going to do it.
Heart is racing a bit.
Ok, what exactly am I admitting? That I do this weird thing with my boss in my head that has to do with my mother...
I think I’ve already admitted that.
In other journals.
So what have I been putting off? What have I not said?
Well
What makes me uncomfortable is that I know she thinks I’m mental.
What makes me uncomfortable is I compromise myself to fit her opinions.
What makes me uncomfortable is that I have this STRONG habit of always putting myself down in front of her. I use this cheap, easy humor that is getting on my own nerves.
Why the humor? to mask something of course. I did this with that woman that drove me crazy, HA! I forget her name!! Awesome! Crap, it’s Sandy... Anyway, I feel like she saw through me in some ways. But what she “saw” was my non-authenticness. Which I was, I was not authentic. Am still not with my boss. Am with everyone else.
But she make people kiss her ass. She is charismatic in that way. She makes you want to please her. Why do people wear a path to her door? Well I do, I make excuses to go in there and just sit in the same damn room. I want her approval and I want to be on her special team. I want it really bad... or so I think I want it.
Do I really?
Hmm...
A tiny breakthrough?
Perhaps.
