Last night of one week being off work.
Last night of one week of immobilizing depression.
Oh, what will the week bring?  Oh the possibilities.

Spring Break un-accomplishments

Ok, it's the end of our spring break.  Let's evaluate it!!
I wasn't going to stay in bed and zone out on pc and tv.
Well, do two hour naps count?  Not every day, just--ok, everyday.
But I did take the kids to the park and make them walk.  Twice.
We went to a craft store.
I cooked a nice dinner every night--really, everyday but last night, we had leftovers and tonight I'm making a nice meal.
I've baked yummy stuff for the kids...and for me...
I've played a lot of Warcraft.  Oh, wait is that really an accomplishment?  Excuse me I have a hunter almost to 90, gotta go.

Spring Break and remembering Lawn Chairs.

Well it's Spring break for me and the kids.  When we were home with all of our snow days, I got downright depressed.  We will see how this week goes.
Things that are not healthy for me to do and for the kids to see:

1. Lay in bed all day.
2. Lay on the couch all day.
3. Shut the kids out of my world by zoning out on PC or TV.

Ok, hey, it could be worse!!  I could be putting shots of rum in my iced tea or something else like that.  I saw a woman on Oprah once who drank all day with her kids at home.  She hid it well, or so she said.  She seemed so "normal" on the outside!!
Oh, wait, my mom did this, I forgot??!!
Gin and 7-up with ice in a tumbler.
Sit outside on the patio and talk to your bitter friend on the phone.
I could see her out my window.
It's a clear picture I have in my mind.  I see the lawn chair set.  It's a two-seater with a wooden table in the middle.  Gotta have that table for your ash tray and drink.

What is that stuff called that the chairs were made of??  I can feel the aluminum armrests under my hands.  I remember the lines on you legs when you got up.
I swear my step-dad fell through one when he was drunk.

Other stuff I remember my step-dad doing when he was drunk:

1. Jumping down a small flight of stairs in order to imitate how I did it.  Apparently it annoyed him when I skipped the last step and hopped into the kitchen.  But when he did it, he landed on a small throw rug, slipped and slammed into a wall.  I guess a 12 year old skinny girl is more adept at these things than a 40 something, 200 pound drunk ass hole--go figure.
   But I'm over it!!  Not really.  Or I wouldn't be writing about it and getting anxious after seeing lawn chairs.
2. Well that's enough for now.  Hope you enjoyed.

Let's be honest, I have not said good-bye.  The other night I was replaying a memory of my head.  I couldn't have been older than 8 or 9 years old.
My step dad was working nights at the time and my mother and I were on the couch watching something.  She was laying down and I was sort of lying on her...well thigh, butt, I guess...I was young so it was ok!!  Anyway she had been dozing but woke up with a bit of a start and had a very strange, droopy flat look on her face.  She did not know where or who she was.  She did not know who I was.  Scary, scary, shit.
I went to the phone and called my neighbor friend's mom who then of course called 911.  Why didn't I call 911?  I think I was in such shock and confusion.  My mother was not hurt, she was just not my mom.
So when I was replaying this event I admitted something to myself.  I miss her.  I have missed her all this time.  There is something we had together that, despite the dysfunction, was special and completely unique.  It was special because we were mother and daughter.  We got each other at least on some level.  We were bonded on at least some level.
The questions really never go away.
How can she choose to shut the door on me?
How can she stand not having contact with her only daughter?  Let alone her grandchildren.  Her wonderful, wonderful grandchildren.  What an amazing loss she is choosing to take, and for what?
This is what it always comes back to.  Always.  The hows and the whys.  So crazy, so so crazy.
Maybe Teri Gross and I will be able to hash this out and come up with some answers.  I know what your thinking:
"But Teri is not a therapist, she is just a talk show host."  and I would answer you:
"Teri asks questions that provoke thought.  She has an ability to empathize and sometimes see blanks and openings that the guest may have never seen.  But she does this with such subtly and grace, making the interviewee seem like it was always their intention to realize these new connections.

Ok, I am going to try to get through this.
Try to get through this.
Last night I woke up with a feeling of utter humiliation.  Am I a joke to all that I work with??  Am I?
Last night I was pretty sure I was.
Why should the glare of a 20-something-year old loser bitch bother me.  Why???
Why?  Because I am me.  Other people define me.
What is going on now?
What is different?
Why am I on an upward psycho swing now?
Ok, it's not the middle of the night, just late evening.  How do I feel?
The reasoning part of me decided some stuff earlier tonight that was supposed to clear all this up and make me all better.

1. Remember this:  I am good at something.  I know I am.  I love what I am truly good at and it is a useful skill that has a positive impact on those around me that matter most to me.
2. I am going to focus on this talent and make it the central part of my work.  I am going to return to this basic goal.
3. There are things I have done to make my experience at work more difficult than it needed to be but there is also a toxic element at work that I am going to try to escape.  I am going to do my best to separate myself from this toxic element and focus on what I said in 1 and 2.
4. I am going to IGNORE the previous bull shit conversations with my boss that were just her blowing hot air.  I am not going to try to be her unofficial unpaid personal ass-kissing assistant.  

And there you have it.  If I can do these things, I might just survive.  Maybe.