Fluoxetine and me (continued)

I've been taking the 20mg a day for about a week.  Obviously that's not long enough to really make any conclusions about how it's working.  I am more certain about the other circumstances being big fat factors in my anxiety; Christmas, mom, and work.

I have also completely cut out coffee.  This is a good thing for me, although I do love it.  I am also trying to stick to the low carb thing, except for chocolate, that does not count.

Christmas is over, mentaly healthy bound

1. My mother called the week before Christmas.
2. I found out my uncle's Alzheimer's has gotten worse in a very short time.  My uncle and I have always had a special relationship and he has been extremly supportive my whole life.
3. I'm facing a transition at work and with it alot of extra stress and confusion.
4. It was Christmas.

Without question these things attributed to my recent period of depression and feelings of instability.
I'm going to give myself a break.


These environmental events led to other things:

• I was messing with my anti-deprssant medication...I couldn't make up my mind when I should take it, how much or even if I should take it.  This is not/was not rational decision making. 
• I was not talking to my husband enough.  I worry that I am a burden to him and that he gets tired of my problems.  I get sick of myself so how could he not get sick of me.  His answer?  It's not my problem, it's our problem.  Am I lucky?  Yes.

Looking ahead:
Back to taking 20mg of fluxotine everyday, going to set reminder on my phone.
Still no coffee. 

Fluoxetine and me

Fluoxetine and I have been together now for awhile, but lately I decided on my own to separate.

 Just a disclaimer here--I do not recomend this. 

I'm taking a pretty low dose anyway but I think it was possibly, maybe, a factor in my anxiety.  It was my idea in the first place to go on the Fluoxetine, she just agreed that it would help with anxiety. 
In the beginning, I loved it, I was dealing with depression and it was the best thing for me.  Since then, I've grown and am looking around at other options.

Plus, anxiety is listed as a fairly common side effect.

Ok, so I guess that settles it, we are through...

Update on To Do list

1. Cutting out Coffee--well, did for one week.  Decided to buy some cappuccino mix because it had less caffeine in it.  Find myself adding a bit of instant coffee too the mix.  But I was drinking three cups a day of regular coffee, now it's one cup of this concoction.  OK, NO MORE!!
2. Multivitamin--no, not everyday.
3. Sugar and carbs...no not too good here
4. Relax before sleep...no, not too good here either BUT, I did order some cds of relaxing music.  Actually, anything to streamline my thoughts would be better.  I think I could listen to my Soundgarden and be just as relaxed as anything else because I would focus on the music.

But, I'm not giving up on myself. 

Never have, never will.

Oh my...bipolar and racing thoughts

Just finished reading a support thread about racing thoughts and bipolar.  Very sad.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Bipolar-Disorder/racing-thoughts/show/330378 

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums/introductions-personal-stories/39969-racing-thoughts

Some very relevant things in here that these people said though...
One mentioned stressors that could trigger them.  Another person mentioned no caffeine. 
But...coffee in the morning makes me feel human again. 
Yes, I can feel my heart racing a bit right now. 
What about decaf?  What about it? 
The purist in me says hell no. 
Alright, shut up up purist, I need to get real.

Back to the support forums--someone mentioned focusing on something at night in order to sleep.  She said the alphabet backwards or counted or something.  I've done that all my life, however the alphabet was far to boring for me and recently I've probably spent an hour or so trying to decide what to focus on to go to sleep.

Antidepressants and Bipolar

I've been taking antidepressants for a while now.  I asked my primary care doctor for them about a year and a half ago.  I started on a very low dose of 20 mg  of fluoxitine (generic Prozac) a day.  I eventually increased it to 40mg after 6 months or so. 
I started to realize that my depressive episodes were not that bad, but my episodes of anxiety were pretty much all the time. 
I was originally prescribed the antidepressant because I told my Doctor about my anxiety.  She said anxiety and depression was linked and that the fluoxitine would help...

But...
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/antidepressants-for-bipolar says:

"Treating a depressive episode in bipolar disorder is controversial and challenging. Using antidepressant medication alone is not recommended because the drugs may flip a person into a manic or hypomanic episode. Hypomania is a more subdued version of mania. Antidepressants alone also may lead to rapid cycling. In rapid cycling, a person may recover more quickly from depression -- but may experience mania and then another episode of depression."

What? Bipolar? Me?

OK, WebMD...

Right now, all signs point to Bipolar Disorder.

What the heck?

First therapist in 98 said ADD.  She suggested Welbutrin, which I tried and loved it.  It was a real pain to get the script filled though.

In 2000, my mom did this wacky thing that yanked the blinders off and forced me to see my my childhood in a clearer light.  This unexpected blinder-pulling sent me into a self-diagnosed nervous breakdown.  I went to this psychologist who gave me a script for Valium.  I never filled it.  Can't remember what he actually diagnosed me with, but I didn't go back to him.  Then found a fabulous therapist who helped me to look at some really painful things from my past.  Taking blinders off was...crazy.  I'm not even going to begin to tackle this right now, but for better or worse I took an honest look at my childhood. 

Anyway, she diagnosed me with depression.

The anxiety was not a big issue then.

"Authority" Figure Dance Off

So my anxiety workbook says...

Yes I have an anxiety workbook.  I've learned alot from it.

Anyway it has alot to say about authority figures and anxiety.  It's all about self-esteem of course. 

Really, what isn't about self-esteem, anyway?

So these "authority figures," they can trigger those feelings of low self worth which triggers anxiety.  For me, these figures are people I want approval from.

I want it real bad.
This keeps me stuck.

And keeps me from growing up.

Am I Willing to Try to Reduce Anxiety?

This is an article offering tips to reduce anxiety:

 http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/understanding-anxiety-prevention

I've highlighted the stuff I'm going to try.

• Take care of your body by eating a well-balanced diet. Include a multivitamin when you can't always eat right.
• Avoid alcohol, and reduce or eliminate your consumption of sugar and caffeine.
• Take time out for yourself every day. Even 20 minutes of relaxation or doing something pleasurable for yourself can be restorative and decrease your overall anxiety level.
• Trim a hectic schedule to its most essential items, and do your best to avoid activities you don't find relaxing.
• Some clinicians have a "rough rule of thumb" for prevention of any anxiety disorder: try to avoid any food (red meat, chocolate, for example) or drinks (such as tea, coffee, soda, or red wine) that is brown in color.

There are other things in this article, but this is what I'm taking from it.
No coffee?  Aaaack!  Chocolate does not count, right?

To Do List:

1. Cut out my morning and afternoon cups of coffee.
2. Take a multivitamin on a regular basis.
3. Eat less sugar and simple carbs.
4. Listen to music before bed. This is relaxing, I love music, it will help the racing thoughts.
5. Make an effort to exercise.

Anxiety vs. Depression

Oh, it's like the dumb old sit com premise where one person is trying to be two people.  Someone says "Where is So-and-So?"  The person who is not in So-and-So costume has to make up an excuse to leave the room and then come back as So-and-So.  In other words, they are related and connected but they don't exist together.  Below is an article that briefly introduces this partnership.
http://www.webmd.com/depression/recognizing-depression-symptoms/anxiety-symptoms

What happens is something like this:

1. I get "the trigger" as I described in previous post.
2. I just sort of flip out from the difficulty in digesting this event/realization/confrontation--whatever it is.
3. Then the flip out recedes into a state of anxiety or depression. 
4. If it's depression, the reality of this event/realization/confrontation sets in and I am helpless.  I feel invisible bonds pulling me downward, downward.   
5. I feel the depression lift and the anxiety comes.  At this point, I am aware of what is going on.  I see the high and low.  But just because I am aware, does not mean I can control it.

Why isn't this bipolar? 
Good question.

Next topic:  is it Bipolar or depression?