Gah frigging damn it (I'm not that religious but I don't like taking other people's Lord in vain).

(no)

This thing with my boss

 is going to drive me batty.

Here is the straight story--I'm going to get it out--I'm not going to sugar coat it--it's going to hurt.

Ok, so boss notifies me that I have a visitor.  This visitor needs assistance.  

Back-story:  the area in which she needs assistance is my "area," my ongoing "project."  My boss has given me this responsibility and has given me free reign to run the project with little interference from her or anyone.

Back to the visitor.  My boss and I go to meet the visitor.  The visitor is new to us and new to my project.  My boss and I commence our normal banter which explains our program and welcomes our visitor.  

The visitor needs explanation of a procedure.  
The procedure has been created by me.  

There is a sign explaining the procedure and I make reference to the sign and "tease" my boss and make a comment implying that she doesn't know the procedure even though it is posted (where it is posted is pretty obscure).  The whole area we are in is my area, not frequented by my boss.  In fact, none of the other 30 or so employees know the area and so would also refer to me under similar circumstances. 
I tease my boss?  
Do I tease her or do I actually-- 
undermine her, 
ridicule her, 
disrespect her in front of a representative of another community program.  
Is that what I did?  
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

beginning affirmations

I read that affirmations can change the way you think and feel about yourself.  By repeating them, you are letting them sink into your sub conscious.  You don't have to believe in them.
This is gives me hope.


My anxiety workbook has a whole chapter on affirmations and a long list of sample affirmations that you can use.  I found these to be helpful.  I made little flash cards for myself and was pretty good at practicing them for awhile.  I would repeat them while I walked the dog.  I think they helped, but I got bored with them and stopped.  I also stopped writing in a journal and trying any self-help at all.  I decided that I should be over all my issues so therefore I shouldn't be working on them.  But my wounds have not healed and I think I would be better off if I did a bit more work.  There is no time limit.


I experienced an event that triggered a mild but long lasting anxiety attack.  A co-worker accused me of getting her in trouble with our boss.  It was an unfair and unfounded accusation.  A rational response would have been to just ignore her, casually blow her off along with her accusations.  But the confrontation triggered something because of my childhood, and when I say childhood, I mean childhood, teens and even early 20s.


When I was in my second year of school, I was doing an internship.  I was extremely proud of what I was doing and one day I stopped by my mother's house on the way home.  It was summer and she was sitting, as usual, on the front steps but when I got closer I saw that she was upset and in her red-hot angry mode.  It wasn't a good time to drop by.  As I was walking back to my car, my step-dad walked up to me--he had been in the back yard, or just drove up, I don't know--and he said something about not being welcome there.  I was all dressed up and felt good about myself, I even remember the dress I was wearing.  The way he said it--cold, angry.  I think I said something about coming to talk to my mom, and not him--that was probably the most defiant thing I had ever said to him.  She made no motion and said nothing, just the anger.  I said something about calling her later and he might have said something more, I don't know.  I wish I could remember the drive home or anything about how I felt after.  How incredibly painful, unbearably painful.  He always acted as if I had an agenda, even from a young age, he treated me as the enemy and she did nothing about it.  This encounter in the yard, one might imagine that he and I had fought about something, that he had something, anything, no matter how small, that he could twist out of context and blame me for.  But that's the crazy absurd part.  I never, never crossed him.  He terrified me.  If he would have included me in his circle with his "real" children, I would have been as loyal to him as they were, loyal to the core.  But I was on the outside.  Just writing this makes me feel anxious.     I have always feared him, even though I haven't lived under the same roof with him for 20 years.  I remember in the early years after I moved out.  I was still talking to my mother and she was still making an effort to remain connected to my daughter and I.  And it was an effort, it cost her.  Every time she saw us, she paid a price.  
Anyway, I remember having to psych myself up to call their house and I would rehearse what I would say if he answered.  I always feared that he would snap at me over the phone, which he did sometimes.  I don't remember the exact "conversation" which influenced my decision to not call anymore, but it was something similar to the front yard incident.  I told her I would no longer call, but if she wanted to call, she was always welcome.  Years later I told her that I would not go to her house anymore.  This was a great excuse for her to not to contact us anymore, which she didn't.  
Damn it, Damn it, when am I going to move on from this?  Yes, it's total rejection from my parents which has always caused me to have toilet level self esteem, but I have worked on myself!!  I have been to therapy, read books, journaled, talked to my loving understanding husband.  And still here I am, writing this sad pathetic shit.

Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval

And...repeat.
So, every little move I made as a child was scrutinized and judged negatively by my step-father.  Reading in the living room or petting the dog or--heaven forbid, the extremely rare stating of an opinion.  All these things and more.  Things I did to exist, such as opening the refrigerator door, were taken as an insult to him, or as a statement of my superiority.  Am I exaggerating?  No.  Did it screw me up?  Yes, and I still get to open the gifts each day that are the result of this abuse.

I remember basking in the glory of the occasional common ground or approval received by my step-father.  I made his mother pancakes on her summer visits.  Made them every morning she was there.  She bragged and laden me with endless praise about my famous Bisquick pancakes.  I'm sure this pancake praise was strategic maneuvering to try to protect me from her monster of a son.  This he sometimes acknowledged.  To this day, I eat them, eat them alot.
Oh the relief, I think I would probably glow with relief with the short lived acceptance or approval.
He was jealous, always jealous, to the point of madness, of my very existence.  He would make up preposterous accusations and then spend hours screaming at my mother about what I had done and what evil plot I had in mind when doing it.  It was always something to do with how I supposedly acted and my attitude, I thought I was sooo...what...I don't know superior or smart I guess, whatever I supposedly thought was a direct affront to his very person.


Big Fat Results:

1. I feel that EVERYONE is judging me and I am failing, or at least that is what I perceive.  It is exhausting, especially, ESPECIALLY when there are actual real live people who are judging me and are jealous of me.  I have placed the roles of my mother and step father onto various people I work with.  People who are ignorant--like my step father, and jealous--like my step-father, and who desperately need a scapegoat, like my step-father, who bully innocent people who are just trying to do their job.  The mother figure is being played by my boss, who is ignoring the bullying and even encouraging it to use for her own means.
2. I am always looking for approval, desperately making those pancakes or anything else I can muster up. 
3. I can't shake it off, I can't rise above it, I can't.

HELP...help.  I need help.  I'm about to give up and just stay in my house.  Screw it.

The Anxiety Book and other Stuff

Page 242, "the feeling list"

As I was skimming the list my eyes jumped from the column of "positive feelings" to the list of "negative feelings."  My eyes seemed more comfortable there.  I skimmed down the list and stopped at "ashamed."  Just stopped--stared at the word--still, as I write, keep glancing at the word...there it is, followed by other words, "awkward, bitter, and bored."  All of the words seem like comfortable and descriptive friends.  I also pause at "dependant."  I somewhat linger on "disgusted" and "embarrassment" and "misunderstood."
Well, now it feels too deliberate the the accidental exercise is over.

Ok, skim the "positive feelings" list--out of the whole list I am most comfortable with "strong" and "loving."

Oh, page 242

So, the book, the whole book is awesome, not sure if it's legal to picture it here or not.  By the way, why am I always reading it backwards?  Am I really afraid to delve into it?I've had the thing by my bed for 2-3 years now.

Page 218  Affirmations (this is chapter 10)
See chapter 9 on how to use affirmations.

p. 215-Approval

To Do:  read pages 215-218 and 220-224