Continuing Education makes you still obsess about your past (or is it just me).

What this is:
I'm taking a class on childhood.  This is a short discussion assignment.  The assignment really did ask about our own childhood--I didn't just use it as another excuse to whine about my life...

I wrote:

The environments that I grew up in were not consistent, but they still show the correlations mentioned in our text.  In my early years, my environment was quiet but detached (passive environment).  My personality was also quiet.  I was an only child until I was 8 and and was accustomed to quiet time with my single working mother.  

Later my mother married a man with three children.  My step-father was loud, the children were loud and I was still, well, not loud.  I preferred alone time reading or drawing but this behavior was interpreted as aloof, arrogant and even insulting to my step-father (evocative environment).  As the book explains, "responses children evoke from others (then, eventually) strengthen the child's original style (Berk 2012)."  In other words, for me, my quiet nature strengthened into a more withdrawn quiet nature as I grew up.

As I grew into young adulthood, my ability to choose my environment resulted in my withdrawing and eventually movingcompletely away from my family.  I choose friends, hobbies and eventually a husband who were all also fairly quiet, reflective and introspective (active environment).

Textbook cited:Berk, Laura E. (2012). Infants, Children, and Adolescents (7^th ed.) Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon 

Turned to random journal entry, here 'tis:

3-6-09
So all thinking persons know that people make mistakes
"to er is human..."
"everyone makes mistakes"
Surely there are others...
"Nobody's perfect"
"Human error"

But there is one group or role rather that people take on in which mistakes are simply not allowed--mistakes when is in this role are--unforgivable--and there are those who make it their life's ambition to wallow in these mistakes.  Of these people, we (guilty) milk these mistakes for every drop of--(drop of what?)
Who are these unforgiven?
Our PARENTS, of course!  Our parents.

And why not, here is another:
3-4-09
If you can't join 'em, join 'em?

So human nature says we berate others to make up for our own shortcomings.  So the thing to do for those who make a continuous effort to be moral, responsible, professional--is not to do this.
Steer clear of gossip circles, whispering about co-workers behind their backs.  Just say NO.  
Even though, 
Everyone does it.  
Factions automatically arise--but who exactly is on whose side?
These sides change depending on the company.  What if one tries and tries to remain free and nutral but just can't seem to do it?  Human nature wins?  It must be the rare person who wins that battle, but there are more than we probably realize who fight it.

unthinkable

So, my boss:
the one whose approval I desperately need and have sought after as a replacement for my own mothers approval-even though she's only about 10 years older than I am...
The one who I respect, admire and am at the same time ashamed of for her tricky racist tendencies...
She nominates me for an award...
Basically a "You Are Awesome and I Want to Tell Your Peers and Others who are Big Shots How Awesome You Are" award.
And I get the award.  And she is going with me to accept the award.
Really?
Holy Shit.
What do I wear?
No, really?
What's the catch?
What now?
What's my problem now?

Glass

was totally in the moment with my kids tonight.  
laughing and being silly.

By the way, what would happen if I just said "screw it" (to whom I would say this to, I have no idea).
What if I just said "screw it" and did what I thought was the thing to do all the time.
Why don't I?  Because I always feel like I have to justify everything.  And this holds me back.  Justification is a process that eats up time.  The time it takes me to judge the situation and decide that I have no right to think or feel the way I do.
That whole "glass house" thing.  But, is my house really made of glass?  I'm starting to think it is not so much.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Commonly misinterpreted as being a proverb warning against hypocrisy. This is incorrect.

The actual meaning is closer to that of "if you can't take it, don't dish it out".

if you are a type of person who is easily offended, do not go around offending people unless you can handle being offended yourself.

Person A - Katie is such a bitch. All I did was say she was a little bit fat, and she's going around calling me a stupid cow behind my back!

Person B - People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Urban Dictionary: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

Gah frigging damn it (I'm not that religious but I don't like taking other people's Lord in vain).

(no)

This thing with my boss

 is going to drive me batty.

Here is the straight story--I'm going to get it out--I'm not going to sugar coat it--it's going to hurt.

Ok, so boss notifies me that I have a visitor.  This visitor needs assistance.  

Back-story:  the area in which she needs assistance is my "area," my ongoing "project."  My boss has given me this responsibility and has given me free reign to run the project with little interference from her or anyone.

Back to the visitor.  My boss and I go to meet the visitor.  The visitor is new to us and new to my project.  My boss and I commence our normal banter which explains our program and welcomes our visitor.  

The visitor needs explanation of a procedure.  
The procedure has been created by me.  

There is a sign explaining the procedure and I make reference to the sign and "tease" my boss and make a comment implying that she doesn't know the procedure even though it is posted (where it is posted is pretty obscure).  The whole area we are in is my area, not frequented by my boss.  In fact, none of the other 30 or so employees know the area and so would also refer to me under similar circumstances. 
I tease my boss?  
Do I tease her or do I actually-- 
undermine her, 
ridicule her, 
disrespect her in front of a representative of another community program.  
Is that what I did?  
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Ramblings of obsessive me

Tired of being tired of being tired of this crap about--let's face it--my--yes--my--mother.

My Mother!

Stupid boss.  Has it really been five years.  Five years?

Well this post is supposed to be an outlet that lets out the flow of conflict in my head and allows me to be rational again.  Pull the plug already!

Pull it.  Release.  It's not releasing.  I guess I can't just force it.  but wait, I can--sometimes I can.

I don't know how to solve this conflict I have with my boss whom I place a mother role on--mother role as in I expect things from her.

• approval
• understanding
• guidance
• appreciation
• praise (lot's of praise, so much so that I fantasize in my head that she is praising me as I am doing
  something)

Ok, I've hit something here.  As I do a task, I imagine her watching me do it or finding out soon after that I have done it and heaping on the praise and appreciation.  Not only praise and appreciation  but I want her to rely on me.  I want everyone to rely on me.  I want to be her right hand person.  This is what I want..but somehow I fell I should not want this.  Should not because it is not good for me to be in her shadow.

I have been doing some thinking about my mother.  here are some posts copied from my journal:

October 24, 2012
I am going to stop checking emails for the wrong reasons.
oh my god' I used to wait for the phone to ring thinking it was going to be my mom' now I check emails thinking its going to be my boss.

October 14, 2012
so last night we went to eat.  I was struck by the young people.  where did they come from?  I'm still thinking about this thing called "getting older".  

• what does it mean?  
• where do I fit?

• shouldn't I have my shit a bit more together?

its jus been perplexing me of late.
kind of always on my mind-

• what should I wear?
• what shouldn't I wear?
• am I too old for school?
• should I be doing something else now?

actually the thought of not doing what I'm doing is not pleasant.  how could I not be doing it?  I don't feel like I could ever go back to staying home but I wish I had more time at home.

October 14, 2012
dysfunctional mother stuff:
OK, the book says that I might have a person I am refusing to forgive.  oh yeah I do.  of course I do, I was just thinking of her today.  irony?  probably not.

(and later)
I hate Facebook, I really really hate Facebook
I can't forgive someone who:

1. admits that she failed me
2. seems to have no remorse
3. oh and don't forget still refuses to be part of my life.

Sometime in October 2012

More dysfunctional Mom stuff:

"today is a new day"

that wonderful muse song
it is a new day
actually its called I'm feeling fine...
this i strugle with, but don't we all.
my mother is everywhere today. today and yesterday.
most days honestly but more so these two days.
phone rings it is her--just realized I'm still waiting.
waiting for my boss to e mail which is actually approval or validation from my mom.
still waiting. why fight it
OK,so I'm waiting-- now what.  I suppose I can do other stuff while I'm waiting' always have.
God, its been a long time.  long wait.
is this because of my mental condition, I mean how I am like my sweet son.  unable to let things go.
this is good today, being outside today.
right now its a bit ominous out.  mild bit windy, cloudy.  November.
starting to rain.

October 2012

A letter to my mother:

I want you to know that I am still waiting.  I have waited a very, very long time.  Waiting for what?  Waiting for you to do the right thing and be my mom.  I think it’s my nature to have trouble with things that just don’t make sense.  Things that don't add up.
for example:  mother’s take care of their kids.  mothers put their kids first and make sure all their needs are met.  mothers put their personal issues aside as best they can.  You seemed to do the opposite, you put me aside to deal with your personal issues.  You sacrificed my emotional well being to try to make a monster happy.  What hurts is that the monster who hated me was, it seems, complacent after you cut me out of your life.  Ouch.

Oh, and that part about you cutting me out, I know it’s more comfortable to believe that I did the cutting, it’s more comfortable for me, too.  That is something I can accept now, that is I do accept now.  You did the cutting out.  You cut me out.  Unbelievable, right?  But true.  Like I said, I waited, I’m still waiting for you to see your huge error.  How long will I wait?  Didn't happen before sweet Uncle died.  To be honest, you are the biggest fool I know.  You and my father.  But fool or not, you have power over me.  Your utter rejection of me has kept me down.  You wouldn't know, nor would the monster, nor would any one else I know, what the rejection has done to me.  It has wrecked me as a person.  Where do you have that right?  where to you get the right to disregard a life?  to disregard me?

Even if you demand love from a limited number of people, you cannot usually win the approval of all of them. Some, because of their own limitations, will have little ability to love anyone. Others will disapprove of you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Still others will despise you forever because of some prejudice against you.

oh boy, guess what else I am!

Well I'm reading about CODEPENDANCY!!  Hooray, I am that, I am, I am, I am.

Here is a great link:   http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns2.htm
Everything here is copy-rited so I won't do what I want to do which is cut, paste and highlight stuff.   Well, I am printing it out for my own use.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency:  I'm all here, Every bit of it is me, except for most of the "control" section.

Is this surprising?  Heck no.  My mom was/is codependent in her loyalty of my step-father.  I was abused in several different environments by several different male figures in my life.  Who wouldn't be codependent after that.

What's embarassing is that I exhibit signs at work.  I know I'm not well liked by most at worked.  I can see why, I must be annoying as hell.

beginning affirmations

I read that affirmations can change the way you think and feel about yourself.  By repeating them, you are letting them sink into your sub conscious.  You don't have to believe in them.
This is gives me hope.


My anxiety workbook has a whole chapter on affirmations and a long list of sample affirmations that you can use.  I found these to be helpful.  I made little flash cards for myself and was pretty good at practicing them for awhile.  I would repeat them while I walked the dog.  I think they helped, but I got bored with them and stopped.  I also stopped writing in a journal and trying any self-help at all.  I decided that I should be over all my issues so therefore I shouldn't be working on them.  But my wounds have not healed and I think I would be better off if I did a bit more work.  There is no time limit.


I experienced an event that triggered a mild but long lasting anxiety attack.  A co-worker accused me of getting her in trouble with our boss.  It was an unfair and unfounded accusation.  A rational response would have been to just ignore her, casually blow her off along with her accusations.  But the confrontation triggered something because of my childhood, and when I say childhood, I mean childhood, teens and even early 20s.


When I was in my second year of school, I was doing an internship.  I was extremely proud of what I was doing and one day I stopped by my mother's house on the way home.  It was summer and she was sitting, as usual, on the front steps but when I got closer I saw that she was upset and in her red-hot angry mode.  It wasn't a good time to drop by.  As I was walking back to my car, my step-dad walked up to me--he had been in the back yard, or just drove up, I don't know--and he said something about not being welcome there.  I was all dressed up and felt good about myself, I even remember the dress I was wearing.  The way he said it--cold, angry.  I think I said something about coming to talk to my mom, and not him--that was probably the most defiant thing I had ever said to him.  She made no motion and said nothing, just the anger.  I said something about calling her later and he might have said something more, I don't know.  I wish I could remember the drive home or anything about how I felt after.  How incredibly painful, unbearably painful.  He always acted as if I had an agenda, even from a young age, he treated me as the enemy and she did nothing about it.  This encounter in the yard, one might imagine that he and I had fought about something, that he had something, anything, no matter how small, that he could twist out of context and blame me for.  But that's the crazy absurd part.  I never, never crossed him.  He terrified me.  If he would have included me in his circle with his "real" children, I would have been as loyal to him as they were, loyal to the core.  But I was on the outside.  Just writing this makes me feel anxious.     I have always feared him, even though I haven't lived under the same roof with him for 20 years.  I remember in the early years after I moved out.  I was still talking to my mother and she was still making an effort to remain connected to my daughter and I.  And it was an effort, it cost her.  Every time she saw us, she paid a price.  
Anyway, I remember having to psych myself up to call their house and I would rehearse what I would say if he answered.  I always feared that he would snap at me over the phone, which he did sometimes.  I don't remember the exact "conversation" which influenced my decision to not call anymore, but it was something similar to the front yard incident.  I told her I would no longer call, but if she wanted to call, she was always welcome.  Years later I told her that I would not go to her house anymore.  This was a great excuse for her to not to contact us anymore, which she didn't.  
Damn it, Damn it, when am I going to move on from this?  Yes, it's total rejection from my parents which has always caused me to have toilet level self esteem, but I have worked on myself!!  I have been to therapy, read books, journaled, talked to my loving understanding husband.  And still here I am, writing this sad pathetic shit.

Disaproval

Some will disapprove of me or not like me for reasons entirely beyond my control.  These reasons could be based on ignorant prejudice.  The truth is that I don't need to know what the root cause of the disapproval is.


Am I a child?  Why do I need to concern myself with approval from others?


Regardless of the why, I do concern myself.  It has ruled my actions.  Ruled them to the point where I have lost myself.  It's as if I still live in an environment where approval is vital--which it isn't.


I don't think I went into this job with a problem this great.  I am looking back at my brief experiences in other jobs and I don't think the approval thing was quite this bad.  I think that working in an environment of uneducated, jealous and potentially vengeful people who do not respect and understand the importance of the jobs they have to do--all this has pulled symptoms of my PTSD to the surface.


BUT!!
As I'm writing this, I see that the analysis is flawed, not serving me well.  I am still BLAMING others.  THEY are jealous, THEY are prejudice and uneducated.  Is this rational helpful?  I don't know.

another good website on approval,

http://www.livestrong.com/article/]14709-handling-the-need-for-approval/

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14669-people-pleasing-personality/

Stuff on approval, going to try to use this as affirmation...

cEven if you demand love from a limited number of people, you cannot usually win the approval of all of them. Some, because of their own limitations, will have little ability to love anyone. Others will disapprove of you for reasons entirely beyond your control. Still others will despise you forever because of some prejudice against you.

Ironically enough, the greater your need for love, the less people will tend to respect and care for you. Even though they like your catering to them, they may despise your neediness and see you as a weak person. Also, by desperately trying to win people’s approval, you may easily annoy them, bore them to distractions, and again be less desirable.

Taken from Chapter 10: Tackling Your Dire Need for Approval A Guide To Rational Living, Albert Ellis & Robert Harper
www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Self-Acceptance/Tackling_Your_Dire_Need_for_Approval.pdf

Hang in there, me

I grew up with all this anger, resentment, jealousy and ignorance.  It was paired with the influence of grandparents who were the opposite; they respected and encouraged higher learning, open mindedness, etc.  I cannot handle the anger and resentment I get from the uneducated psycho bitches at work.

Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval

And...repeat.
So, every little move I made as a child was scrutinized and judged negatively by my step-father.  Reading in the living room or petting the dog or--heaven forbid, the extremely rare stating of an opinion.  All these things and more.  Things I did to exist, such as opening the refrigerator door, were taken as an insult to him, or as a statement of my superiority.  Am I exaggerating?  No.  Did it screw me up?  Yes, and I still get to open the gifts each day that are the result of this abuse.

I remember basking in the glory of the occasional common ground or approval received by my step-father.  I made his mother pancakes on her summer visits.  Made them every morning she was there.  She bragged and laden me with endless praise about my famous Bisquick pancakes.  I'm sure this pancake praise was strategic maneuvering to try to protect me from her monster of a son.  This he sometimes acknowledged.  To this day, I eat them, eat them alot.
Oh the relief, I think I would probably glow with relief with the short lived acceptance or approval.
He was jealous, always jealous, to the point of madness, of my very existence.  He would make up preposterous accusations and then spend hours screaming at my mother about what I had done and what evil plot I had in mind when doing it.  It was always something to do with how I supposedly acted and my attitude, I thought I was sooo...what...I don't know superior or smart I guess, whatever I supposedly thought was a direct affront to his very person.


Big Fat Results:

1. I feel that EVERYONE is judging me and I am failing, or at least that is what I perceive.  It is exhausting, especially, ESPECIALLY when there are actual real live people who are judging me and are jealous of me.  I have placed the roles of my mother and step father onto various people I work with.  People who are ignorant--like my step father, and jealous--like my step-father, and who desperately need a scapegoat, like my step-father, who bully innocent people who are just trying to do their job.  The mother figure is being played by my boss, who is ignoring the bullying and even encouraging it to use for her own means.
2. I am always looking for approval, desperately making those pancakes or anything else I can muster up. 
3. I can't shake it off, I can't rise above it, I can't.

HELP...help.  I need help.  I'm about to give up and just stay in my house.  Screw it.

Have you ever had an Arch Nemesis?

Ok, I Googled Arch Nemesis, was going to swipe some images of a myriad of coupled enemies, but could not find exactly what I was looking for, maybe cause I'm not really up on genres of movies or other media.  Actually I'm not up on anything, I just surf Netflix and if it's not indy-romance-understated-witty-dark-critically acclaimed, I have not seen it.

Anyway, I actually have had arch nemesi since I started working full time two years ago.  If you knew me, I don't think you would ever think I would have  a nemesis, but I do.  In fact I'm on my second one.  It seems that people might be threatened by me.  I might have a bit of what my asperger son has in the form of naive straight-forwardness.  I also have a huge need--even drive--to please people, impress people, help people, be liked by people, be approved of by people.  This probably gets on people's nerves, especially those people who feel trapped, are bored with their mundane lives, are selfish, narrow minded, petty and ignorant.  These people apparently and unfortunately populate my workplace.  It kinda sucks.

Joan Crawford, The Dentist, the Tub, and Spelling tests

When I was growing up, my mother worked for a dentist and my grandfather was a dentist.  Apparently I needed alot of work done because it seemed like I grew up in a dentist chair.  My grandfather was not an orthodontist but apparently it was ok for him to do oral surgery in his small office because he did it on me alot  with my mom by his side. 

Every night my mom turned into a tooth brush drill sergeant.  She would hover over me and yell that I wasn't doing it correctly, then she would make me chew the red tablets that show you where you missed.  She got these free from work and so had a huge supply. 
I can still taste it. 
She would watch me brush, turning red with anger because of my incompetence at the task.  This same scenario repeated itself in other areas of my life, for example scrubbing the tub or studying for weekly spelling tests.  Remember the famous coat hanger scene in "Mommie Dearest?"  Ok, it wasn't that bad, she never hit me, but her temper...her face would turn beat red, I was so scared of her that I would miserably fail at whatever it whatever it was I was supposed to be doing.  Come to think of it, I can't spell and hate scrubbing the tub.

I know for a fact I was/am dyslexic.  I have no memory of anyone telling me "you are dyslexic."  But I remember these black and gold cardboard letters in my pencil box at school.  I think I was supposed to take them out and look at them so I would learn to write my letters in the right directions.  My mother  had to have known about it.  Was she embarrassed by this disability?  Was this why she was so irrationally desperate that I learn my spelling words?  I remember her sitting in the chair in the family room with me standing in front of her with a half sheet of paper in her hand quizzing me and just being so angry she looked like she could pass out. 
She had been a teacher before I was born and was even friends with teachers at my elementary school.  Was this why it was intolerable to have a child who could not spell?

I transferred all this anger to my oldest daughter when she was very young.  I remember the rage just coming out and I knew it was from my mom and step-dad.  I vaguely remember thinking, "they did this to me, so I can do this to her."  I never hit her, but the words...I remember writing her long letters of apology and being sick with remorse.  She was embarrassed by the letters and didn't want to read them.  She even said to me "what am I supposed to say?"  I was very scared when she was a pre-teen and early teenager that the emotional abuse I inflicted on her when she was very young would result in her hating me when she hit the normal rebellious age.  Those teen years were hard on both of us but I don't know really why.  All I know is that I have forgiven myself and she thinks I was a great parent...I guess I did other stuff to make up for it...
Wow, that was a river of stuff that just flowed out...I'll have to re-read it tomorrow.
Good job, me.
Good night

Christmas is over, mentaly healthy bound

1. My mother called the week before Christmas.
2. I found out my uncle's Alzheimer's has gotten worse in a very short time.  My uncle and I have always had a special relationship and he has been extremly supportive my whole life.
3. I'm facing a transition at work and with it alot of extra stress and confusion.
4. It was Christmas.

Without question these things attributed to my recent period of depression and feelings of instability.
I'm going to give myself a break.


These environmental events led to other things:

• I was messing with my anti-deprssant medication...I couldn't make up my mind when I should take it, how much or even if I should take it.  This is not/was not rational decision making. 
• I was not talking to my husband enough.  I worry that I am a burden to him and that he gets tired of my problems.  I get sick of myself so how could he not get sick of me.  His answer?  It's not my problem, it's our problem.  Am I lucky?  Yes.

Looking ahead:
Back to taking 20mg of fluxotine everyday, going to set reminder on my phone.
Still no coffee.