Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval Anxiety Approval

And...repeat.
So, every little move I made as a child was scrutinized and judged negatively by my step-father.  Reading in the living room or petting the dog or--heaven forbid, the extremely rare stating of an opinion.  All these things and more.  Things I did to exist, such as opening the refrigerator door, were taken as an insult to him, or as a statement of my superiority.  Am I exaggerating?  No.  Did it screw me up?  Yes, and I still get to open the gifts each day that are the result of this abuse.

I remember basking in the glory of the occasional common ground or approval received by my step-father.  I made his mother pancakes on her summer visits.  Made them every morning she was there.  She bragged and laden me with endless praise about my famous Bisquick pancakes.  I'm sure this pancake praise was strategic maneuvering to try to protect me from her monster of a son.  This he sometimes acknowledged.  To this day, I eat them, eat them alot.
Oh the relief, I think I would probably glow with relief with the short lived acceptance or approval.
He was jealous, always jealous, to the point of madness, of my very existence.  He would make up preposterous accusations and then spend hours screaming at my mother about what I had done and what evil plot I had in mind when doing it.  It was always something to do with how I supposedly acted and my attitude, I thought I was sooo...what...I don't know superior or smart I guess, whatever I supposedly thought was a direct affront to his very person.


Big Fat Results:

1. I feel that EVERYONE is judging me and I am failing, or at least that is what I perceive.  It is exhausting, especially, ESPECIALLY when there are actual real live people who are judging me and are jealous of me.  I have placed the roles of my mother and step father onto various people I work with.  People who are ignorant--like my step father, and jealous--like my step-father, and who desperately need a scapegoat, like my step-father, who bully innocent people who are just trying to do their job.  The mother figure is being played by my boss, who is ignoring the bullying and even encouraging it to use for her own means.
2. I am always looking for approval, desperately making those pancakes or anything else I can muster up. 
3. I can't shake it off, I can't rise above it, I can't.

HELP...help.  I need help.  I'm about to give up and just stay in my house.  Screw it.