Let's be honest, I have not said good-bye.  The other night I was replaying a memory of my head.  I couldn't have been older than 8 or 9 years old.
My step dad was working nights at the time and my mother and I were on the couch watching something.  She was laying down and I was sort of lying on her...well thigh, butt, I guess...I was young so it was ok!!  Anyway she had been dozing but woke up with a bit of a start and had a very strange, droopy flat look on her face.  She did not know where or who she was.  She did not know who I was.  Scary, scary, shit.
I went to the phone and called my neighbor friend's mom who then of course called 911.  Why didn't I call 911?  I think I was in such shock and confusion.  My mother was not hurt, she was just not my mom.
So when I was replaying this event I admitted something to myself.  I miss her.  I have missed her all this time.  There is something we had together that, despite the dysfunction, was special and completely unique.  It was special because we were mother and daughter.  We got each other at least on some level.  We were bonded on at least some level.
The questions really never go away.
How can she choose to shut the door on me?
How can she stand not having contact with her only daughter?  Let alone her grandchildren.  Her wonderful, wonderful grandchildren.  What an amazing loss she is choosing to take, and for what?
This is what it always comes back to.  Always.  The hows and the whys.  So crazy, so so crazy.
Maybe Teri Gross and I will be able to hash this out and come up with some answers.  I know what your thinking:
"But Teri is not a therapist, she is just a talk show host."  and I would answer you:
"Teri asks questions that provoke thought.  She has an ability to empathize and sometimes see blanks and openings that the guest may have never seen.  But she does this with such subtly and grace, making the interviewee seem like it was always their intention to realize these new connections.