Saturday, November 2, 2013

my dog

When people feel emotional pain, the same areas of 

the brain get activated as when people feel physical pain:

the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex.
Emotional and Physical Pain Activate Similar Brain Regions | Psychology Today

So my dog is missing.  I feel like a terrible pet owner.  She's out there somewhere.  I want her back.  

I am really mad at my husband.  
I am totally blaming him right now.  He doesn't like her.  
I almost say "hate" but I can't believe that.  Although its probably true.
I thought about her a lot today as she was outside but didn't even check on her.
I wanted to let her in but every time I thought about it, I thought about his reaction to anything she does.  
She eats toilet paper, tissue, underwear, q-tips.
She licks pillows and blankets that are far too often left or tossed on the floor by the kids.
She eats my and my daughter's used pads.
She hates going outside when it's raining, thundering or when the grass is wet. 
She looks at me when he calls her to go out as if she defers judgement to me.
He is unable to get her to go into the crate.  She goes in for me.

The wisdom of the turtle

I can honestly say that I don't like people in the way I assume other people like people.  

I want people to be well, as in healthy.  
I want people to do the right things by each other.  
I would pretty much help anyone do whatever necessary to do either of these things.

Skulking around on Facebook causes me to cringe and shrink inward.  A tiny part of me wants to tap into this social network more, but mostly I want to retreat from it.

I used to think I'm socially awkward, but I don't know, I think I just don't care to be too intimate with people.  Does this mean I'm not the giver I thought I was?  Oh well, enough of this bull shit.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Glass

was totally in the moment with my kids tonight.  
laughing and being silly.

By the way, what would happen if I just said "screw it" (to whom I would say this to, I have no idea).
What if I just said "screw it" and did what I thought was the thing to do all the time.

Why don't I?  Because I always feel like I have to justify everything.  And this holds me back.  Justification is a process that eats up time.  The time it takes me to judge the situation and decide that I have no right to think or feel the way I do.
That whole "glass house" thing.  But, is my house really made of glass?  I'm starting to think it is not so much.


People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
Commonly misinterpreted as being a proverb warning against hypocrisy. This is incorrect.

The actual meaning is closer to that of "if you can't take it, don't dish it out".

if you are a type of person who is easily offended, do not go around offending people unless you can handle being offended yourself.
Person A - Katie is such a bitch. All I did was say she was a little bit fat, and she's going around calling me a stupid cow behind my back!

Person B - People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.


Sunday, October 20, 2013

no escape?

"The wisdom of no escape"...I wonder if that book is an eBook..
.
It's been--seems like a million years but actually it's about 18 since I was perusing through that book.
Still remember the author.  She seemed like a friend to me.  Pema Chodrin or something fairly close to that.

Well that is not nearly as profound a thought as I had when I was inspired to sit and blog.  
Oh wait, I remember.  I felt that I wanted to talk about how I have been escaping.  I escape into many different "places." 

  • shopping
  • Netflix
  • work
  • even pintrest
  • pc games
Just realized that all those places are on the computer.  Am I escaping now?  I used to be better at being "in the moment."  I haven't been there in a while.  I've been escaping the moment, as I said.  Is that so wrong?  I'm not going to sit here and lecture myself.  What a new concept.  I'm not going to list all the things I should be doing or should have been doing.  Just going to keep going.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Gah frigging damn it (I'm not that religious but I don't like taking other people's Lord in vain).




(no)

This thing with my boss


 is going to drive me batty.




Here is the straight story--I'm going to get it out--I'm not going to sugar coat it--it's going to hurt.

Ok, so boss notifies me that I have a visitor.  This visitor needs assistance.  

Back-story:  the area in which she needs assistance is my "area," my ongoing "project."  My boss has given me this responsibility and has given me free reign to run the project with little interference from her or anyone.

Back to the visitor.  My boss and I go to meet the visitor.  The visitor is new to us and new to my project.  My boss and I commence our normal banter which explains our program and welcomes our visitor.  

The visitor needs explanation of a procedure.  
The procedure has been created by me.  

There is a sign explaining the procedure and I make reference to the sign and "tease" my boss and make a comment implying that she doesn't know the procedure even though it is posted (where it is posted is pretty obscure).  The whole area we are in is my area, not frequented by my boss.  In fact, none of the other 30 or so employees know the area and so would also refer to me under similar circumstances. 
I tease my boss?  
Do I tease her or do I actually-- 
undermine her, 
ridicule her, 
disrespect her in front of a representative of another community program.  
Is that what I did?  
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Stuff I gotta do after watching 10 twenty-minute "Ted Talks"

1--Raise my arms above my head while clenching my fists.
2--Put my hands on my hips and spread my feet apart when talking to people.
3--Tell people how much I appreciate them.
4--Go outside more.

5--Move around more.

Seems like there was more...
No, there was nothing like "spend more time with your kids" because that will come if you actually do this other stuff...
Wait, I thought of another one-

6--Give your brain a break and meditate for 10 minutes a day.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Ramblings of obsessive me

Tired of being tired of being tired of this crap about--let's face it--my--yes--my--mother.


My Mother!
Stupid boss.  Has it really been five years.  Five years?

Well this post is supposed to be an outlet that lets out the flow of conflict in my head and allows me to be rational again.  Pull the plug already!

Pull it.  Release.  It's not releasing.  I guess I can't just force it.  but wait, I can--sometimes I can.
I don't know how to solve this conflict I have with my boss whom I place a mother role on--mother role as in I expect things from her.
  • approval
  • understanding
  • guidance
  • appreciation
  • praise (lot's of praise, so much so that I fantasize in my head that she is praising me as I am doing
    something)
Ok, I've hit something here.  As I do a task, I imagine her watching me do it or finding out soon after that I have done it and heaping on the praise and appreciation.  Not only praise and appreciation  but I want her to rely on me.  I want everyone to rely on me.  I want to be her right hand person.  This is what I want..but somehow I fell I should not want this.  Should not because it is not good for me to be in her shadow.